My favourite word is ‘apparently’. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He’s intelligent, apparently.

Tax tip: Claim your loneliest friend as a dependent.

I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” “Monsters.”

Every 30 seconds, someone invents a statistic to prove their point.

Your life is hard? Just think, somewhere out there a turtle was flipped on its back and cant move. Yeah, and you have problems.

What I know about you has earned my attention. What I don’t know about you is what makes you interesting.

Don’t worry about having nothing going on Saturday nights. Myspace has been doing that for years, and it’s still around.

My friend is so broke, all he says is “Just leave me a loan”.

Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?